Have you started using I Love You Rituals at home yet? Or perhaps come up with your own? The reason we like to incorporate I Love You Rituals in class and encourage you to use them regularly at home is that doing so gives you and your child a shot of JOY JUICE.
What is Joy Juice? It is a hormonal cocktail that your body releases and bathes your brain in when you engage in a moment of connection with a loved one. It is comprised of dopamine, endorphins, and other natural hormones. It can have an equivalent effect on a child’s brain as a dose of Ritalin. But completely natural! And you have access to it ANY TIME YOU WANT.
Dr. Becky Baily of Conscious Discipline teaches “Joy Juice is a combination of positive brain chemicals that create joyful feelings literally wiring the brain for impulse control and willingness.”
Looking to add more joy to your family’s life and help transform challenging behavior? Add some Joy Juice!
The key elements to accessing your and your child’s body’s Joy Juice production and distribution facility are:
Eye contact: Getting down on your child’s level, looking them in the eye, and using their name, is essential to building the connection needed for the release of these hormones.
Touch: Placing your hand on your child’s shoulder or head, a gentle tickle, or a hug, signals to the child that they are safe. It readies them for connection and cooperation.
Presence: Being fully present in the moment and with your child indicates empathy and comfort. It’s a way of signaling to them that they matter to you and that you are a safe place for them.
Playfulness: A playful situation gives the brain a little break and primes it for more learning. A playful game can put us in a state called “relaxed alertness” which is optimal for learning and readiness.
The connections we build with others on the outside builds neural connections on the inside and give us this Joy Juice.
So when you’re in a challenging moment with your child, get down on their level, place your hand on their shoulder, use their name and say “Find my eyes.” Then be present and playful with them. It only takes a moment to connect, prime the brain, and promote connection and cooperation.
We are now five weeks into the new Kindermusik season (can you believe it?) and by now you and your child should be familiar with the routines and rituals of our studio. These routines and rituals have a variety of intentional purposes.
The words routine and ritual are sometimes used interchangeably, but there are important differences.
Our Hello and Goodbye routines that start and end each class provide a structure of stability for your children. This structure signals to them that it is time to begin class and helps them with the transitions into and out of class. Having a routine built into the class gives children a sense of security and a sense of comfort. It also helps them regulate their behavior and manage their expectations.
We’re sure you have routines in your family life, certain patterns of behavior that help you or your child move from one task to another throughout the day. The lack of these routines is why summer and the holiday season is at first freeing, but ultimately too much of a good thing. There’s always a bit of a sigh of a relief when the vacation is over and the family returns to the normalcy and stability of routine.
But routines are different from rituals, which also have a beneficial and intentional purpose. A ritual is a specific action or set of actions that help us regulate our emotions, build relationships, and mark significant events or transitions in our lives. A wedding is a ritual. A bar mitzvah is a ritual. A christening. But so is meditation, prayer, yoga practice, etc.
Conscious Discipline teaches about I Love You Rituals, which we incorporate into many of our classes. The purpose of these rituals is to build CONNECTION between you and your child, because research has shown that CONNECTION builds COOPERATION. Again, it’s a set of discrete actions that are done in sequence that form the basis for interpersonal bonding.
It’s no different than the timeless classic nursery rhyme “this little piggy went to market” that you lovingly recite when you have your baby on the changing table. It is a moment where you repeat a set of actions with the intention of regulating your emotions, or building a bond, or marking an event. Our handstamp ritual at the end of class is another example; it provides a moment when your educator can bond one-on-one with your little one with a little eye contact, a little touch, a little smile, and a goodbye.
Routines and rituals can definitely have overlap, but they are different things with different purposes. BOTH are necessary for children to form attachments, build connection, feel security, so that they can GROW and develop into their best self.
What routines and rituals do you have in your family? Do you incorporate any you have learned at Kindermusik? If not, try one at home that your educator has taught you. And then let them know how it went!
It’s time to leave for an appointment. “Please get your shoes on and get in your car seat.” Tantrum ensues.
It’s dinnertime. “You need to eat a few more bites before you can go back to playing.” Cue whining.
It’s bedtime. “Please put away your toys and get your pajamas.” Commence exhausting power struggle that leaves both you and your child emotionally spent. Sound familiar?
We are acting in our child’s best interest: they need to see the dentist. You need to go grocery shopping to feed your family. They need to consume something containing nutrients. But why does doing the right thing for them have to be so hard?
Young children have a challenging time with transitions, particularly if they have to stop doing something they are enjoying. It makes sense. You don’t like being interrupted when you are doing something important, do you? Children are the same way. Remember, their play is their work: it’s how they learn, how their brains develop, how they come to understand the world, and how they learn to interact with others. When you interrupt their work in order to get to meet your schedule’s demands, you are cutting short your child’s serious learning. Of course they’re going to push back.
What your child needs to ease this transition is not an ultimatum or threat of a negative consequence; what they need is empathy. You know what it’s like to be interrupted. It is unpleasant to cut short something you are enjoying in order to do something you do not want to do. Remember that feeling. You have learned through time and maturity to cope with that negative emotion, but your child hasn’t. So show them that you get it. This is where helpful phrases come in handy. Helpful phrases are an extra tool in your parenting tool-box. They can help defuse a tense situation, ease a transition, and lessen a power struggle.
Your little one doesn’t want to stop playing to put on shoes? Instead of raising your voice and counting to three and ending the whole exchange with tears, try “you wish you could.” “You wish you could keep playing. I know. I wish you could too.”You still gently insist your child gets on their shoes and heads to the door, but you express understanding for their feelings.
Your child doesn’t want to eat dinner? Instead of telling them they cannot leave the table until they clear their plate, try “you don’t like that.”“You don’t like this dinner and wish you could have something else.” Nod your head. Continue eating your own dinner. They feel validated but see through your modeling that no other food will be offered. Maybe they’ll give it another shot.
When it’s time to clean up and get ready for bed, and your child starts pushing back, try this is hard for you.“It is time to put away your game. I see you want to keep playing and stay up late. This is hard for you. I will help you.”
Look over the helpful phrases cheat sheet that we gave you, if you haven’t already. Memorize a few. Try them out. Let us know if they help.
Ahh, Springtime. It’s finally here! The wisteria and tulips are in bloom. The weather alternates between sunny and rainy. We’re shrugging off the winter blues and producing more Vitamin D. You’d think it would be all sunshine and flowers . . . but the modern parent knows better. Spring also ushers in the end of the school year rush. You know what I’m talking about: teacher appreciation week, field day volunteering, planning your family’s summer schedule, supporting your students through standardized testing, finding the perfect Mother’s Day gift, getting the yard in order before the weeds take over . . . . All this on top of our regularly scheduled programming? It never ends. Even here at Song of the Heart we’re feeling the crunch! We’re gearing up for our big blow-out Family Jam and our upcoming Bonus Week, not to mention preparing for Summermusik (it’s going to be SO MUCH FUN!) So if you’re anything like us, you’re feeling a bit stressed.
Did you know that music therapy studies with critically ill adults and children have shown that music can reduce stress, anxiety, and even physical pain by as much as 50%? Here’s some ideas to musically battle the stress and helps your kiddos cope too:
KEEP THOSE ROUTINES IN PLACE. Sing that bedtime song. Keep coming to your Kindermusik class. Children thrive on routine and feel safe with predictability. It gives them a sense of security.
THROW IN A DANCE PARTY. Turn on a family favorite tune and dance with your kiddos for 3 minutes. The blood will pump, bathing your brain in oxygen and oxytocin. Cortisol levels will dip. You’ll all feel refreshed.
I LOVE YOU RITUALS: Sing that Twinkle Twinkle ritual we’ve been working on all year. Use it at diaper changes. Use it at bathtime. Use it before mealtime. Use it at bedtime. Take the time to slow down, intentionally touch, make eye contact, be playful, and connect with your little one through a simple song.
USE YOUR KINDERMUSIK AT HOME MATERIALS. Did you participate in our Rainbow Connection? Maybe you accessed your online materials for the first time. Wasn’t it fun? It only takes 5 minutes, but it is the perfect way to connect with your child and reinforce their musical learning at home.
POP YOUR FAVORITE KINDERMUSIK CD IN YOUR CAR. By now you have the whole year’s worth of albums in your library. Which was your child’s favorite? Turn it on while you run errands and let them jam out and relive their favorite Kindermusik unit. Or maybe put on a playlist of your favorite music and educate your kids on popular music from your generation.
We hope you can integrate music into your daily lives in a way that is fun, joyful, and stress free.
Parents who seek information about what is best to do for their child—parents like you!—are relieved when an idea can be described as definitively true. It’s even better when that idea involves something that is easy and fun for children and caregivers to do together.
That’s what describes this idea coming out of years of study in Australia:
“…[I]nformal encounters with music at home are critical for young children’s development – with benefits above and beyond those of shared reading. And quite beautifully, the best results are seen when music making is a shared experience between parent and child.”
This statement is highlighted in a December 2017 article about the ongoing research efforts of Professor Margaret Barrett of the University of Australia, Queensland. Barrett began receiving grants to study the different effects of various types of musical exposure on young children in 2001. By 2013, she had honed in on a study called “Being and Becoming Musical.” At that point, Professor Graham Welch, Established Chair of Music Education at the University College London’s Institute of Education, joined her and her team. Data drawn from 3,100 families who participated in the study led the team to this conclusion: “shared music-making at the age of 2–3 years correlates positively with increased school readiness, pro-social skills, and literacy and numeracy outcomes at age 4–5.” That’s some powerful evidence in favor of music!
WHAT DO SHARED MUSICAL EXPERIENCES LOOK LIKE?
The research team included many examples of the types of musical activities parents and children did together. Beyond citing the evidence necessary in a research report, this gives parents some great ideas! Here is a sampling:
Parents and children made up simple songs to sing together during routines, such as bath time or meal time.
Parents put simple tunes to the words they used to describe what they were doing with children while doing those things—whether it was building with blocks, walking in nature, or dressing to go somewhere. So, rather than simply commenting on how good the warm sun feels, parents might sing about it to a familiar tune like “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star”: Shiny, shiny sun so high, shiny, shiny in the sky. Thanks for warming us today. You make it nice for us to play. Shiny, shiny sun so high, shiny, shiny in the sky.
Parents and children made up movements and danced together while listening to music.
Parents and children figured out how to make instruments like rattles and drums using things around the house, then played them together.
One particularly interesting finding stemmed from the fact that the research team was careful to include parents who ranged from “not at all musical” to “play a musical instrument” in the study. No matter what the parents’ musical background or comfort with making music, the shared musical experiences with their children had positive outcomes.
So don’t let any discomfort you might have get in the way of enjoying musical experiences with your child! Music brings joy. Period.
WHAT ELSE WAS INTERESTING ABOUT THE STUDY?
Dr. Barrett and her team became especially fascinated with the idea that purposeful shared musical experiences had a bonus effect…on the parents! She saw clear signs of something she is calling “musical parenting.” She theorizes that music leads to great opportunities for parent-child bonding. She believes it can help to “foster stronger family relationships.” So stay tuned for more research coming out of the Barrett team providing statistical support for this belief!
Meanwhile, don’t let any time pass before making shared musical experiences as important in your family life as reading aloud hopefully already is. You’re already engaging in this way through Kindermusik classes, but don’t forget your Kindermusik Online at-home materials. And enroll now in our Summermusik classes or pick out your Fall class, and keep that music happening year-round.
The last two weeks we have started incorporating I Love You Rituals in our classes. We LOVE these rituals as they perfectly align with Kindermusik’s child-development centered curriculum and our mission here at Song of the Heart Studios. Not only do I Love You Rituals promote our studio values of JOY, CONNECTION, FAMILY, GROWTH, and HEART, but they have a direct and literal impact on your child’s brain development. Research based, these simple rituals soothe cortisol and release oxytocin in the brain. Without getting into the neurochemistry of it all, what this means is that these simple, quick, and fun rituals are a tool that will bond you with your child, will increase their self esteem, lengthen their attention span, promote cooperation, decrease power struggles, reduce hyperactivity, and facilitate language development. Can you believe that all those benefits can come from such a simple ritual? It takes less than a minute to do, and can reap huge rewards. We have been teaching the Twinkle Twinkle ritual in our classes in the hopes that it will inspire you to implement it at home. Here are some ideas of when to throw it into your daily routines:
In the morning, upon waking up
On the diapering table
During nap time and/or
bedtime routines
When getting in or out of the carseat
Before or after meals
When saying goodbye
These delightful rituals were designed by Dr. Becky Bailey, renowned child education and developmental psychology expert, and founder of Conscious Discipline. Please let us know how you incorporate I Love You Rituals into your family life. What benefits have you experienced?
Have you noticed that our Kindermusik classes always start and end the same way? Even sprinkled throughout the class are little rituals and cues that give your child an expectation of what to do next. This is intentional. You’ll find these routines consistent from class to class, with creative variations between educators and level. We carefully craft these routines not just for fun, but to enhance learning and social cooperation.
Childhood is growth. And by very definition that means children experience change on a near-constant basis. Change is unsettling and can be hard for children to cope with. That’s why routines are so crucial. Routines have been shown to give children a sense of security and safety. It helps them know what to expect next and how to behave in certain circumstances. It sets them within a frame of predictability and comfort in which they can then explore, learn, play, and discover.
Structure teaches children how to control themselves and their environment. It facilitates constructive habits and life skills. From brushing their teeth, to feeding themselves, to cleaning up after themselves, routines make all these lessons easier to learn. In Kindermusik we have routines to wake up our brains and bodies, to focus attention, to add cohesion to the group, to foster cooperation, and to signal to you and your child that this is a place that is predictably joyful. With routines in place and expectations set, connection and growth will follow.
Is your little one having trouble with putting away their toys at home? Sing-song “Toys away!” will remind them of how we clean up after ourselves at the Kindermusik studio, and will give them instant information about what you expect. Turn any orders you might need to give your child (example: “Find your shoes!”) into a song, and you’ve just created a new neural pathway to help them understand and follow through. And always finish with an encouraging “You did it!”
Try adopting one of our little routines at home, or develop your own, and see if it helps make a bumpy part of your day a little smoother. We’d love to hear about it!
“One forgets about parenthood. The on and on-ness of it.” –Violet, the Dowager Countess.
I know I’m a little late to the game, but I’ve been catching up on Downton Abbey before too many spoilers unwittingly come my way. We know Maggie Smith gets to deliver the best, most humorous lines, but this one left me virtually rolling on the floor the other night. (Season 3, episode 8)
It pretty much sums up exactly how I’m feeling these days, navigating the waters of middle school education and taking on extra work as a substitute (no, not much has changed about the life as a sub since you remember those days from your own schooling, except now there are cell phones), especially when I combine that work with the parenting challenges I’m facing.
There were great things about being an only child, and I’m firmly convinced that there is no perfect type of family. But daily I’m experiencing in my parenting life something I rarely encountered growing up as an only: sibling rivalry. It’s compounded by a day spent listening to my young students vocalize the same complaints: “She’s bugging me!” “He took the book I was reading!”
Aarrrgh! It just keeps going!
I’m learning a lot personally this year as I navigate these discipline stressors. I’m amazed at how often I’m required to be emotionally centered. Or, at any rate, how often I have to find the balance within myself to generate the emotional intelligence to deliver an appropriate, adult response. The teenager still living inside me wants to roll my eyes and mouth off some sarcastic response like, “Oh, yeah? Well, you’re ALL bugging ME!” But the adult in me knows that this isn’t really going to help anything, and it may make it worse.
Instead, I have to take a few deep breaths and engage some empathy. Do I know what it is to feel like life is unfair, even if the details differ? (Hello, yes, I’m writing a whole blog post here about how tough it is to manage all the child development jobs I have right now.) Can I remember how frustrating it was to sit in school with kids I just didn’t like? (Yes. . . [shudders]) Are there times when I feel just plain tired or frustrated and all I want is for people to be patient and loving with me?
Pretty much, all the time.
Dr. John Gottman is a psychology professor emeritus. His work centers around helping us understanding our emotions—how to develop, as he calls it, emotional intelligence, and then how to use specific skills to channel those emotions in the painful times, especially in family and marriage relationships. He says, ““Much of today’s popular advice to parents ignores emotion. . . Instead it relies on child-rearing theories that address children’s misbehavior, but disregards the feelings that underlie that misbehavior. The ultimate goal of raising children should not be simply to have an obedient and compliant child. Most parents hope for much more for their children.”
Georgia Anderson, a Gottman trained Educator, will bring some of these skills to our Kindermusik studio on April 21 at 6:30, specifically focusing on the language of encouragement. You can see the steps on her blog (describe situations using facts, share your feelings and effects of the situation, and show gratitude in meaningful ways), but the best part of coming to a coaching session is the time we get to practice these skills so they become our first responses to parenting challenges rather than the “wish I coulda done that differently” thoughts after-the-fact.
Yes, at Song of the Heart, we have Kindermusik classes. We encourage ongoing musical lessons through ukulele lessons and we continually broaden your child’s interests through other programs, like Spanish classes this summer. But we are in the business of educating the whole child, and guiding you on your parenting journey is one way we can do this. Can’t wait to see you there!
One of the ways we can connect with our kids, Dr. Naumburg asserts, is by soothing them. We all get upset (just moments ago I had to break the news to my Kindergartner that yes, she does have school today, much to her frustration). She writes:
“[Our children are] young, they’re immature, and their brains haven’t yet developed the ability to figure out what is worth getting upset about and what isn’t, nor are they able to quickly and consistently calm themselves down. That’s where we parents come in. We can share our calm presence with our children time and again until they start to internalize it for themselves.” (pg. 25)
Of course, this is easier said than done, but one of the themes of this book is that we don’t have to be perfect at it, we just have to keep swimming. Oh, no, wait, that’s Dory. Well, same idea—returning repeatedly to our goal, that’s what’s important.
She mentions music as one of the tools we can use to calm our kids and ourselves. Just yesterday, in a moment of stress, I heard a few bars of George Winston’s Thanksgiving track, from the December album, one that I played often in my late-high school and early-college years to soothe my stress—and I noticed an immediate, physical calming yesterday, too.
Years ago I burned a CD of my favorite Kindermuisk lullabies. (Yes, this was before I could put together a “playlist.” But it was many years after needing to make a “mixed tape.”) They represent moments of pure joy and peace from cuddling my babies in class, and as I play the CD even today, it’s nice to see how much of a calming effect it has on everyone (this can be especially helpful on car trips, as long as the driver doesn’t get too calm).
Here are some of the songs from that album. Check them out–you can even download them for your own playlist!
Simple Gifts (this particular version I love, love, love)
“We have a choice. We can spend our whole life suffering because we can’t relax with how things really are, or we can relax and embrace the open-endedness of the human situation, which is fresh, unfixated, unbiased.”
― Pema Chödrön, Living Beautifully: with Uncertainty and Change
This morning my sister-in-law told me that my nephew, who is 27 months old, got very upset when they bought diapers yesterday. While she was able to sneak them into the cart when he wasn’t looking, he was so adamant that they not come home that, when he saw them at checkout, he took the package back to the diaper aisle and left it there. Of course, he’s not really potty-trained yet, either, so she’s helping him clean up, a natural consequence.
I really love my sister-in-law, and I admire the sense of humor she had in telling me the story. I believe that one of the things that helps us through such days as parents is a sense of acceptance—or, at any rate, I’ve learned that the more accepting I am of the situation as I find it, the easier it is for me to get through such moments with a bit of humor.
These days, with my relatively new job, people often ask, “How is it going?”
I teach Spanish to Kindergarten through eighth grade students. However, they don’t come in order of age—so, my first graders come into class right after my fifth graders. I go into Kindergarten between seventh and eighth grade classes. While I try to teach some of the same lessons to multiple grades, even within that lesson I have to make micro adjustments according to which group of kids I’m teaching.
And, just as in parenting, things go more smoothly when I practice acceptance of where my students are at any given moment. The first graders come right after recess. It took me all of about two days to realize that I could either spend the whole time telling them they couldn’t go get water, or I could line everyone up at the drinking fountain before coming into class. (This happened right about the time I figured out we needed to do “Breathing Arms.”) In my ideal world, of course, they’d all have water bottles, full and ready to go. I can have a high level of expectation about that. However, it’s not the reality, and to maintain that expectation only means frustration for everyone. Such an age span means that I continually have to adjust my expectations for where the kids are at on any given day, at any particular age, with any particular mix of kids. It is good practice for my life outside the classroom, too.
I notice the same with Kindermusik. When my child is tired or hungry, being in class may be tough for her. “Should” it be? No, often she just ate. But maybe it’s that she’s going through a growth spurt and needs more sleep or food. Maybe she’s getting a bit of a cold and I haven’t realized it yet.
In Kindermusik, we follow the child. That means sometimes our kids may not feel like participating as fully as they did last week or will again next week—and it’s OK! Maybe they decide to have a full-blown temper tantrum in the middle of class because they just can’t let go of the scarf. My son regularly did not want to do group things during Kindermusik class when he was a preschooler. The quicker I get over thinking, “This is not how it’s supposed to be,” the sooner I get to, “This is how it is,” and consequently, the easier it is to just deal with the situation at hand and calmly allow the natural consequences to follow. That may mean hanging back and letting my child participate on her own terms. It may mean getting food, or leaving class altogether, or otherwise patiently implementing some discipline strategies. (To be clear: I’m not saying this is easy!) When I’m parenting from this place of self-acceptance, I am giving my kids the gift of a mom who also accepts them.
All this goes to the heart of what I believe is one of our greatest needs as humans–to know that we are loved, wholly and completely for who we are, rather than for what we do.
