The solution to all your parenting woes. The starting place to solving your relationship conflicts. The key to understanding and resolving your child’s behavioral problems.
Whenever you or your child is struggling, go back to basics. Go back to connection.
Research has shown that humans are not capable of being rational, of making good decisions, of getting along with others, of handling stress, or basically ANY executive functioning skills unless two basic needs are met first: SAFETY and CONNECTION.
When you are threatened, your brain goes into fight, flight, or freeze mode. Your conscious brain is hijacked by the hind brain as you seek safety. When you are in this “survival state” you can’t respond to stressful situations with grace or empathy. Nor can your children. Your brain and body asks “am I safe?” If the answer is no, that need must be met before you can move up to the next brain state.
Let’s say you feel safe and can calm your hind brain into understanding that you are not under threat. The next thing your brain asks is “Am I Loved?” If you are lacking connection with a loved one or a trusted friend, you will have trouble having patience and choosing positive behaviors. The same thing goes for your child. If your child feels disconnected from you, they won’t feel loved. They won’t feel safe. They won’t be able to listen to you and respond calmly. They won’t be able to make decisions, follow directions, or remain calm.
So what do you do when your hind brain hijacks you? What do you do when your screaming toddler gets red in the face and fluids drip down their face?
You meet the first two needs. First, remind yourself that you are safe. So what if some judgmental person at Target is watching your child’s melt down. Ignore them. Take a deep breath. Release some tension in your shoulders. Next, approach your child.
Get down on their level. This is a non-threatening approach. Some children will want to be touched. Some will not want to be touched, even by Mom. Try for eye contact. Tell them they are safe. Tell them they are loved. Tell them that when they are ready, you are there to help them.
This is called coregulation. Children simply do not have the executive functioning skills or inner voice that is needed for regulating their emotions. You have to co-regulate with them. Show them how it’s done. Calm yourself first. Then help them calm themselves. This is all accomplished through CONNECTION.
So the next time you see your child’s behavior taking a turn for the worse, remember that their behavior is communication. Their tantrum or resistance is telling you that they are slipping down from the higher brain state and need help to feel safe and to feel loved. Spend some time connecting with them. Slow down. Take a breath. Be present. Be playful. You’ve got this.
A familiar scene: your toddler clings to you, unsure of this new Kindermusik classroom environment. Then they excitedly leave your arms to engage with the activities, only to return to you for reassurance. As you see your little one cling to you for security and then venture off to explore, only to return to you again, you will notice them learning to assert more and more independence. This is a good thing! But as we are all about CONNECTION here at Song of the Heart Studios, we know that a strong bond with your child is what will give them the confidence to spread their wings and soar.
Parenting guru and child development specialist and author Sarah Ockwell-Smith has so much wisdom for both new parents of young children and veteran parents of growing children who are claiming more independence. In a recent Instagram post she shares her top advice for staying connected to your child as they grow. Read her wise words:
The early years of parenting can feel stifling, your child’s intense need for you – day and night – can leave you desperate for some time away from them. Your worlds revolve around each other, closely tied in the same orbit, as if you and they were one being – extensions of each other. Their need and love for you so strong. As children get older, that orbit grows. The pull of the outside world ever increasing. Until one day, you realise you miss that tight knit connection and begin to mourn it, wondering if things will ever be the same again, but there are ways to keep a strong connection as your children grow.
Here are my top 5:
1. Accept the change in need for you. It may seem counterproductive, but the more you allow your child to break away from you now – by giving them freedom, the more likely they are to return to you in the future. Recognise you are their ‘safe base’, that they will always return to, but their job now is to explore the world away from you.
2. Always be there to support them. Waiting in the wings, unjudgementally, to listen and ‘hold’ them when they need it.
3. Rein in the punishments (especially exclusion based ones). If your children feel safe to express themselves and tell you about their mistakes, they are far more likely to be open with you as they grow. If they are raised with fear of retribution and exclusion, you will push them away.
4. Work on your own feelings. If your child’s growing independence leaves you feeling a hole, don’t expect them to fill it. Now is the time for you to rediscover who you are, learn new skills and develop new passions. Learn how to feel comfortable being ‘just you’ again.
5. Connect on their level – if they love video games, ask them to explain them to you and play together. If they love making Tik Tok dances, ask if they can teach you one.
And here at Song of the Heart Studios of course we recommend you maintaining an active role in their Kindermusik experience by helping your Little Music Maker engage with your at home materials, help them practice their Young Child instruments, and do our special sharing time activities. It not only enhances their (and your) musical experience but it also maintains and extends your special parent-child bond.
Hopefully you’ve enjoyed our Rainbow Connection Week here at Song of the Heart Studios. Did you jump into your at home Parent Guides for the first time this past week? Or did you joyfully implement them for the nth time?
A lot of parents aren’t aware that Kindermusik can and should continue at home! Your in-class experience is only part of the fun. Sure, it’s the main feature. Our educators are positive and engaging and deliver the curriculum with joy and expertise. But all that brain growth and physical development and connection that is fostered within each of our Kindermusik classes is a launchpad for fun throughout your week.
We get it: parenting is exhausting. The last thing you want is another thing on your to-do list. Intentions to download your unit’s playlist on the app get forgotten in the daily business of parenting. That’s why we developed Rainbow Connection Week as a special invitation to engage with your home materials and we hope that it has brought you and your child an added measure of joy this week.
Not just for fun, when you utilize the home materials and engage with your child during the week you reinforce all the learning that takes place in the classroom. Remember, repetition is the GLUE for the brain. Children instinctively understand this, which is why they sing their favorite Kindermusik song or request their favorite bedtime book over and over and over again! Their need for repetition and reinforcement vastly outstrips our own.
Beyond the learning reinforcement, one of the most important features of the home materials is that it provides an opportunity for yet more CONNECTION between you and your child. You’ll have noticed that most of the activities are quite brief. It doesn’t take much time to remind your child through an engaging and playful activity that you are their safe place. Research has proven that connection promotes cooperation and decreases power struggles. Who doesn’t want that?
We know from research that CONNECTION with your children is a mandatory prerequisite for their cooperation. Not only that, but it brings fulfillment and happiness as you and your child get a shot of Joy Juice hormones that make you feel good. And who doesn’t want more of that? It’s so crucial to the optimal development of a child that’s part of the reason it’s one of our five studio values.
One of the key components for building connection with your children is playfulness. We have learned from Conscious Discipline that the elements needed for true connection are eye contact, touch, playfulness, and presence. We strive to utilize these elements in every Kindermusik class, and most especially during our I Love You Rituals.
Let’s focus on playfulness for a moment. The following suggestions come from Sarah Ockwell-Smith, childcare and parenting author and expert.
Hands up if you struggle to be a playful parent? For some, being playful comes naturally, for others it can feel a little awkward and stilted. If you’re in the latter category, give these tips a try:
1. View play as a ‘must have’, not ‘nice to have’. We are so busy with adult life, that playing with our children often sinks to the bottom of our to-do lists. Viewing play as important, not as time wasted that could be better spent elsewhere, is the way forward. 15 minutes playing with your child is infinitely more valuable than 15 minutes sending emails, or vacuuming the carpet.
2. Play at your child’s level, not your own. What does this mean? It means not inventing mature games or activities that you think your child would like, or that you believe to be age appropriate or good developmentally. Watch and observe how your child plays and join in. It doesn’t have to make sense to you and it doesn’t have to have an obvious teaching moment.
3. Reconnect with your inner child. As we grow we learn to be more self-conscious, we lose the value of play and we lose the skills to be great at it. Sometimes we need to go deep inside and remember how thrilling it is to be silly, how fun it is to lose ourselves in our imaginations. Dig deep and remember what you enjoyed at their age – did you like skipping/jump ropes, jumping in muddy puddles, Painting with your fingers? You’re not too old for those things now!
4. Make everyday chores more playful. Invent a bedtime song, a tidying up dance, or a family race to get shoes on when it’s time to go out. Play can be incorporated into every aspect of family life. It doesn’t have to be a specific play time to make something more fun.
5. Get into role playing and drama. Remember how fun it was to play schools, shops, or mums and dads as a child? Role playing/acting out different characters is such a lovely way to play with children, it’s also a great way to encourage them to do things they don’t usually want to do (e.g: pretending to be a dinosaur hunter when brushing teeth, or a grooming chimpanzee when brushing hair).
It’s that time of year when we reflect back and look forward. And whooo boy! What a year to look back on. This year threw everyone for a loop. Plans made were cancelled. Goals were postponed or given up on. Realignments were made as we evaluated what really mattered and what was truly worth the effort in continuing during this historic year.
At Song of the Heart Studios it was our mission that carried us through the struggles that this year brought: to be the place where eyes shine and children flourish. Just because we are living through unprecedented times that have made literally everything more challenging, we didn’t want to give up on our mission. We knew that you needed a place to continue to turn to for the joy and growth and connection that happens in a Kindermusik class, but provided in a safe way. We knew that the joy and connection that happens in class could sustain you and your family during these hard times.
During the JOY Team’s summer retreat we discussed the WHY we do what we do. And WHAT did we want to focus on in continuing to keep the studio open during the pandemic. There was a unanimous consensus; what we wanted to focus on was YOU. We wanted to continue to serve the families we had, and keep the studio open for departing families when they were ready to return.
The world needs MORE joy, not less. The world needs MORE connection, not less. And so we stretched ourselves and changed our protocols and pivoted each time a new challenge presented itself. Our commitment to your families and your children has been our guiding light.
And so at this end of year we want to extend a heartfelt THANK YOU for sticking with us this year. Thank you for trusting us. Thank you for being part of our tribe. Thank you for sharing your children with us and letting us love and teach them. Thank you for giving us a reason to keep our doors open. Thank you for providing the means for us to keep our doors open.
In this coming year we renew our commitment to our studio’s values and will strive with each class to bring you HEART, JOY, CONNECTION, FAMILY, and GROWTH. May your family’s eyes continue to shine and your children flourish with each Kindermusik class.
3 Ways Screen Time Boosts Development in a COVID-Era World
For years, parents have been advised to limit screen time. We’re all aware of the limits suggested by organizations like the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), and families try hard to follow them.
But then…a pandemic hit, and the world turned upside down. Routines and rules changed, and technology was recast as a positive necessity.
In the wake of COVID-19, researchers/authors Sonia Livingstone and Alicia Blum-Ross found that of their three classes of digital parents(Embracers, Balancers, Resistors), “complete resistance” became nearly impossible. Who can completely resist technology?
Many little ones can only see their extended family members via FaceTime. School-aged children must use technology to continue learning. Stressed out families need to relax together, and watching a wholesome movie is a great option. But when you add up all of that screen time, isn’t it alarming?
Screen time experts say…”Relax.”
As times have changed, so have guidelines. In March, the AAP released a statement about technology use. What’s missing from this statement are any guidelines around technology time limits for young children.
That was a deliberate choice—there’s not a “one size fits all” standard anymore. Instead, the focus is on what Dr. Jenny Radesky (one of the writers) calls the Three C’s: Child, Content, and Context.
In a nutshell, trust yourself.
Parents know their children better than anyone else does. You also know the content you value and when it’s appropriate to incorporate it into your family routines.
According to Livingstone and Blume-Ross, the important question to ask isn’t “How much screen time?” It’s “How do we want to live, and how does technology fit in?”
Here are 3 ways you can use screen time to boost early development in a COVID-era world:
1. Stay in Touch with Loved Ones
Staying connected is one of the most important things we can do for everyone’s mental health (especially when it comes to children), even in quarantine.
The AAP reminds us that children are more likely to thrive when they are able to see friends and family—even if it’s on a screen. Connection is key to fostering positive social-emotional skills, which is an essential part of early childhood development.
2. Create Memorable Shared Moments
At Kindermusik, we believe one of the best ways to stay connected is to enjoy shared musical moments. Keep those scheduled virtual family chats going, but mix them up by singing favorite songs together and maybe even start a weekly family dance party!
Need some help? Grab our free Kindermusik app (download it on the Apple Store or Google Play), and find something everyone will love. And don’t watch the clock! You’ll be moving, grooving, and making memories, so it doesn’t count as actual “screen time.”
3. Sign Up for LIVE Virtual Classes
Digital instruction is on the rise, but in order to really capitalize on early development and social-emotional benefits, choose live, interactive virtual classes. This type of setting allows you to share learning experiences, conversations, and even laughter with other families. Trust us, children can tell the difference between when a teacher is actually asking them a question, and when it’s a recording.
At Song of the Heart Studios, ALL our classes have an in-person and a LIVE VIRTUAL option, so that you can connect with your class family and still have the Kindermusik experience at home. You can keep the JOY and CONNECTION and GROWTH happening from the safety of your living room.
On that note, take a deep breath, and use technology when it makes sense for your family.
-Reposted with edits from Kindermusik International
As cities all over the world shut down to slow the spread of the novel coronavirus, a new crop of videos emerged on the internet: Italians singing from their balconies, policemen in Spain playing guitar while on patrol and New York City apartment dwellers singing along to The Beatles’ “Yellow Submarine” from their windows.
People across the globe started making music together from their windows and balconies. As music neuroscientists who study how music affects our bodies and brains, we would like to shed light on the question: why do we turn to collective music-making in times of crisis?
Universal Response
Music is universal — no human culture exists without it. Even if we only tap or move along, our universal response to music is to join in. This inclination is deeply rooted in neurobiology — our brain’s neural motor, or movement, system lights up when we hear music, even if we appear to be remaining still.
Research has shown that the motor system is particularly responsive to the beat, the regular pulse in music that people typically tap or dance along with. The beat has a privileged role in music, capturing our attention and sometimes driving us to move without us even being aware of it.
The process by which we synchronize movements to the beat is called entrainment. Entrainment occurs when ongoing brain activity aligns in time with the beat of the music. Entrainment has been observed not only in auditory brain areas but also in motor brain areas.
Entrainment is central to our ability to accurately perceive and produce the beat with our bodies, as we do during tapping, singing or dancing to music. In fact, research suggests that the better our brain entrains to the beat, the more accurate we are at perceiving and synchronizing with music. Our desire to move to music may be rooted in our brain’s spontaneous alignment of its activity to the beat.
Making Music Together
The ability to entrain to a musical beat may also be what allows us to produce music with others. Group music-making is a remarkable phenomenon when considered from the perspective of neurobiology: not only are individuals playing music together, their brains are finding the same beat.
Entrainment allows us to achieve what researchers call interpersonal synchrony, or the alignment of behaviour in time. Being in sync with others is important for many kinds of human behaviour. It enables us to coordinate synchronized actions as a group, from singing in a choir to rowing a boat, as well as the turn-taking behaviours that make for good conversations. The desire for interpersonal synchrony may drive humans to perform music together during this pandemic.
Interpersonal synchrony is a powerful tool that creates a sense of belonging and participation. When people produce actions in synchrony, they later feel more connection or affiliation towards one another, and are also more likely to trust and co-operate.
The social benefits of interpersonal synchrony have been observed early in child development. One well-known study shows that toddlers are more likely to help an adult — for example, retrieving more dropped items — when the child has previously been bounced in synchrony with that adult.
The bonding that arises through group synchrony serves practical societal functions: army troops march in step, children bond with parents by singing songs together and now groups clap, bang pots and cheer for health-care workers to signal solidarity. Interpersonal synchrony can also improve one’s emotional state, increasing mood and self-esteem.
Music’s Cultural Role
There is a reason music is found in every known culture. Music moves us at the level of the body, the brain and the group. The interpersonal synchrony that we achieve through making music links our minds and bodies, enhancing social cohesion, bonding and other positive outcomes.
Right now, in the midst of a period in which the need for social bonding is perhaps greater than ever, we are glad to see socially isolated people still finding a way to make music together. Sing on, together!
During this time where we are more distant than we would like from our friends and loved ones, connection has become ever more important. Many of us are suffering from lack of connection from sources we used to rely upon. Children are out of school, missing their school mates. Extended family gatherings have been cancelled. Sporting events have been cancelled. Theatrical productions are cancelled. Many summer celebrations have been reimagined or cancelled.
We’re all feeling the strain of loss of connection. It’s why people are so “over it” and aren’t being as vigilant with their distancing protocols. It’s evidence as to why human connection is so crucial to human happiness and wellness. This is why CONNECTION is one of our studio’s core values.
During the early days of the pandemic we saw viral videos of people singing outside of apartment building windows. We saw musicians serenading their neighbors from an apartment common space or rooftop. It’s interesting that disconnected people are turning to music as a way to connect, even across distance.
Music is a universal component in all human cultures across the globe and across the time our species has been alive. Music is used to instruct, to celebrate, to worship, to communicate, to explore, and more. And of course, music has always been used to connect.
So if you’re feeling particularly disconnected from your support network right now, remember music. It’s a tool you can use. It’s at tool we use every day in our virtual Kindermusik classes to connect with your little ones. It’s a tool you can use as you invite your parents to join your children in one of our virtual PlayDates.
Please enjoy this video of a Virtual Choir, using the connective power of music and combining it with the miracles of technology to continue creating music during a time when in-person music making isn’t possible.
Thank you for continuing to join us in virtual music making.
“We are not the survival of the fittest, we are the survival of the nurtured.” ~Louis Cozolino
Did you just get chills? Read that again:
“We are not survival of the fittest, we are the survival of the nurtured.”
When a quote speaks such a truth that clears away the mental chatter and resonates right down in your bones, you know you need to stop and sit with that for a while.
The author of that quote, Louis Cozolino, is an attachment scientist and professor of psychology at Pepperdine University. He says “Those who are nurtured best, survive best. . . . The brain is a social organ, it evolves to connect with other brains. When others feel something, we do too.” Hello mirror neurons!
Isn’t that interesting, that we humans are wirelessly connected to each other? That connection is the foundation of empathy and compassion.
When we nurture children and adults, we ensure their survival. It’s the compassion that bonds us in tribes that allows for our survival as a species. But being nurtured doesn’t just promote our survival, it promotes our THRIVING. It all comes back to . . . CONNECTION.
That’s what we are ALL ABOUT here at Song of the Heart Studios. Our goal is to forge connections between you and your child, between your child and their educator, and between children within a class.
Music has been used throughout human history as a tool for forging social bonds. Those social bonds make someone feel NURTURED. And when someone is nurtured, their overall growth and development is enhanced. When a person is nurtured, they can learn. When a person is nurtured, that allows neuralplasticity to literally rewire the brain, heal from trauma, and create new and healthy thinking patterns and problem solving skills.
This is the foundation of our classes. This is why we engage in I Love You Rituals. This is why we encourage partnering with your child during class. This is why we provide Kindermusik Online materials for you to take the musical learning with you, and give you another tool in your parenting toolbelt to enhance the nurturing you do at home.
Enrolling your children in Kindermusik classes is a slice of evidence that YOU are invested in your child’s development and well-being. It is evidence that YOU are nurturing them; when they are nurtured and connected to you, you BOTH will thrive. We are honored to be a part of your family’s journey of development and connection. We hope that when you engage in our classes that YOU feel nurtured, and that your child’s eyes will shine and your hearts will flourish!
It’s one of our favorite weeks of the year: our annual holiday lesson. Each year we teach our holiday classes, filled to the brim with joy and tradition. We spin bilibo “dreidels”, we dance with candy cane streamers, we go for sleigh rides (complete with reindeer antlers) and we go ice skating to the beloved Skater’s Waltz.
This time of year is replete with traditions across many cultures as so many holidays converge during this month. Traditions bind together a community and a culture across the years and give symbolic meaning to that’s culture’s beliefs. That sounds almost like a routine or a ritual, doesn’t it? Family traditions, holiday traditions, religious traditions, and even our studio traditions, all work in the same way. With intention and practice, these traditions, or rituals, create connection.
It all comes back to connection. Human beings crave connection to one another, and it is the absence of connection that leads to so many of our society’s problems. Where there is connection, there is safety. And where there is safety, there is the ability to learn, to grow, to resolve conflict, to build relationships, and to build self-worth.
That is the heart of all we do here at Song of the Heart Studios. It is our mission to make your children’s eyes shine and help them flourish. We hope we did that for you this week, every week, and throughout the years. We thank you for letting us be part of your child’s and family’s journey. Thank you for being part of our Heart-y studio family.
Happy Holidays from Song of the Heart Studios and the JOY Team.
